TwistosticitY

I'm changing my autobiographical writing to be more in tune with where I am right now; a lot has changed in my life and in me since I last updated my profile.  I don't want to lose what I did write those years ago, that little glimpse inside my mind, so I'm posting it here:

I'm not a huge blogger in the sense that you won't be seeing any poems or well written epiphanies on here. I do play World of Warcraft, I suck at counterstrike, and recreationally drugs are fine by me. I'm going through a period of finding myself religiously. My birth right is Christianity, my dislike of the common interpretation of this religious has always lead me away from it, i'm starting to realize my own interpretation is the one that matters. I'm kind of gay, but have never found a girl that I can commit to. Right now I am committed to a boy-turning-man. I want to travel the world, but have yet to be across my own Nation's borders. And I am proud of that Nation - Canada. I love this country and what it represents and ALL the people in it, whatever their color of skin everyone who can find it in their heart to love this country deserves to be here. A mosaic, NOT a melting pot - now that's something truly worth fighting for. English is my thing, I have a talent for communication. I will get my validation for it through University in the coming years, after that is still a mystery. I want to teach, I want to write, I want to read. Most of all I want to travel.

I definitely am random in my writing.  Not that I type too much into a blog on the average month, but it's been two.  What better time to re-start then now!
I'm trying to install my web-cam and it's totally not cooperating with me.  My computer got a virus in December and now all the drivers are gone and it's not letting me download them from the few sites this shitty camera has drivers available for download and argh!
In other news, this weekend was a blast - or blur some are calling it.  Mushrooms, Beer, Codeine and Ludes, what more could a girl ask for.  Well, a few things more but manners require me to shut the fuck up right about now.
This isn't much in the way of a proper blog-girl entry.  More like an inexperienced diary thing but I can handle that.  Snowboarding this weekend with S then drinking all night with the best friend Mel who I haven't seen in MONTHS!
Hooker boots, piercings and girls, oh my!
Peace

Tall, dark and handsome came by my work on Saturday looking for me.  That's what my co-workers were referring to 'him' as (the name I don't remember and doubt I was ever actually told).  Of course, i'm referring to previously known the Guy who asked me out last week.  Apparently he showed up this week too, and asked for me by name but I was on my lunch break which they told him.

Maybe he's given up by now, or maybe i'll have the same handsome visitor showing up again.  Despite how cool and surreal it is that I have some gorgeous man after me, since I already told him I have a boyfriend it's also a little wierd.

Now it's Sunday and he hasn't shown up, maybe this will become a Saturday afternoon thing, who knows.

Today at work was great.  More specifically, the end of work was great.  True to the plot of a million-times-over made romantic movie a handsome young man showed up at my work today, requesting help replenishing his vitamin supply.  Between Dee and I we hunted and gathered everything on the list and he made his $200.00 (ouch!) health purchases without blinking an eye at the cost.  He held the door for me while I took out the garbage - how sexy, and then I went back in and proceeded to start closing up shop.  Walking over to our big electric signed I flipped the switch to Closed and noticed The Guy had returned, presumably because he forgot another big bottle of work out designated vits.  Moving to let him in The Guy instead motioned me outside to talk, where we had this conversation:

The Guy: Hey I just found you insanely attractive the whole time I was in the store and wanted to know if you'd like to go out with me some time
Gracious: (mentally: My number is..wait! Boyfriend..okay, then I need to say: my number is...wait, you love your  boyfriend. He's too old anyways, don't make a mistake, are we ready? No? Too bad, go time!)
               (verbally): I'm sorry I can't, I have a boyfriend. Thank-you for asking though, I think you're very attractive too.
The Guy: That's okay, after I left I felt I had to come back and at least ask or I'd regret it.

Except in a movie I would of been about 3-5 years older and single, this person was an adult. A young adult sure, mid twenties, perhaps a big younger. But in the career-grown-up sort of way, and I'm just a kid. Even if some times I do look older then I am.  Anyways, as I said to Tia, "I wonder if he goes to my gym." (cue scene 5) because even if I am just a kid, with a boyfriend who's just a kid, it's nice to pretend for just that one second that maybe your life is a whole 'nother thing.

Since our school computers don't allow access to any e-mail websites I get to copy and paste my half-finished homework here and do the same once I get on a school computer.  Total lack of floppy drives on all the computers now too! It's terrible, luckily vox is new and they haven't clued in to ban it yet too so I still have some way of getting my homework assignments back to the high-school with me short of re-typing the whole damn things.

Short Story: Discrimination

            Marla Eves carefully selected her clothes for work, kissing her husband on the cheek he waved in support from the doorway of their home.  This wasn’t quite the usual morning routine, but today she felt she had to look smart – she had been working her entry-level job at a producing studio and had yet to be offered a raise.  Marla knew this wasn’t because of any problems with her work, she had worked just as hard as the next person in this workplace but had heard whispers from female co-workers that their boss, Edward Hobbs, was always reluctant to give raises to the female workers.  Marla had always gotten along with Mr. Hobbs though and in today’s day and age such discrimination had been abolished with.  But now it had been a few weeks past her one-year anniversary at the studio and he had yet to mention anything to her about a raise, despite his frequent comments about what an excellent job she was doing.  She had decided to request a meeting with him, one that would take place today at 8:30am – right when she got to the office, and bring up the subject on her own terms.  The speech she had in mind had been carefully constructed the night before, in discussion with her husband he had given her some helpful tips and told her to be sure she didn’t place Mr. Hobbs on the defensive by sounding accusatory.  The end result sounded perfect to both their ears, and Marla Eves was confident that her employer would realize his oversight and correct the situation.  That confidence didn’t completely overwhelm the butterflies in her stomach though, this was her first job after graduating from University with a undergraduate degree in broadcasting (Television and Radio arts) and she had no experience in dealing with bosses on such a professional level – the part-time waitress jobs she had held to help her out with student loans during school defenitly did not count.

            Marla greeted Hobbs with a handshake once his secretary had given her the green light to enter his office.  The studio where she worked was quite large and although right now she was just a lighting technician she had an almost intuitive gift when it came to creating just the right set for the commercials she was currently assigned to – lately she had been given more and more demanding jobs and with the new responsibility she felt a new salary was also deserved.  Carefully wording herself Marla outlined her concerns and expectations to her employer and once she was done smiled expectantly, believing that surely despite some of the other female workers comments he couldn’t really turn her down after such an eloquent reminder.  And she was wrong, Edward Hobbs looked at her without cracking a return smile, and stared her up and down.  The butterflies in Marla’s stomach exploded and returned in such a frenzy it was all she could do not to run out of that office right then and there.  What Mr. Hobbs said next shocked her, “Well, Marla, to be honest you seem quite well dressed and taken care of. Surely your husband makes enough money to support the both of you, you do great work but you don’t have a family to support like most of the men who work here, surely you see that?” finishing off his discrimatory response with a kind and genial grin her way.  Not trusting herself to speak, Marla numbly excused herself from his office, the door had been open in the office (Marla had forgotten to close it) and the secretary had overheard everything, offering her a smile of pity as she left.  Going through the rest of her day like a robot she returned home to a wonderful meal her husband had cooked as a congratualitory dinner at what they had been sure would be the day of her first-ever real raise. Instead she got in the door and burst out crying at the unfairness of the whole situation.

I showed up for my baby-sitting job tonight (10-2 or so) and was greeted by about 8-10 twenty-thirty somethings.  Australian couple, stoked about finally getting out for the night.  The children were already tucked away in bed, twins age six, one of each gender.  Friendly kids, said hi and joked with me and their mom for a little while before falling asleep right away.

The mom then offers me a drink (vodka and sprite), while the fathers last words to me are "Here's the wine, the hardbar, and the beer fridge, get as drunk as you like just make sure you're able to call 911 if the house catches on fire!" before the party exits to go to the bar.  And contrary to what i've made it sound like, they're not at all trashy. Nice, clean house, nice clean parents and friends, just a great family from what I've seen thus far. And they take great care of their children too, which is awesome.  I can't stand bad parents.

Anyways this is the part where I get back to home-work, just to make a good impression i'm not actually planning on getting drunk off my employers alcohol.  And my boy-friend won't be "in the shower" either.  Guess i'm not such a bad baby-sitter after all :)

Just my quick lil journal entry on what's going on.

I'm starting to meet some of my goals when it comes to changing my behavior. School work is ALMOST caught up on - had to do some juggling to get a huge assignment in on time but y'know how I roll, things always work out.  Chatting with my sister way more which I love love love! doing.  I miss her so much, it's been way too long since we've seen eachother and especially too long since we've had some one on one sister time.

I'm starting my first cleanse tomorrow night, and i've been being very careful about taking all my multivitamins and extra vit C which I need for my immune system, especially because of the damage my smoking causes.  1000mg a day extra vitamin C, woo-hoo.  And i'm eating better too, i'm going to get a digestive aid, probiotic whatsit, because I'm always bloated after I eat which means i'm not breaking down the food properly and that's something I need to fix.

Mm, I was kind of just bored and felt like posting something.  Now I'm done I guess ^_^.

I've looked for religion in many places, I've tried to bypass Christianity as my birthright and jump back to the ancient nature religions of my earliest forefathers and mothers, but that didn't feel right. I've looked at the teachings of Buddha, ancient and recent religions of the South and East. Although I can find meaning and truth behind a lot of it, none of it felt right on the inside. The teaching's of Jesus, a great Saint (vs the "Son of God") in my mind and a teacher of the word of God, have value. There I find values which feel right in me which I can support and believe in up to this day and age.

I realize that Christianity, like all religions, has been the victim of corruption due to greed for money and power from many people throughout history. It's written teachings as are available to civilians have been the subject of gradual revision throughout the years, often by people in positions of power and sometimes public trust.

Christianity is a flawed organization as are all in one way or another. This does not mean that I can't find value within it though. There are some "truths" widely held by many followers of Christianity, such as the view that homosexuality is wrong, which have always turned me away from becoming a true believer myself. As I get older and begin to see and question my own prejiduces and more of the world around me I have come to wonder though, do the written teachings of God and his disciples really say that homosexuality is wrong? Perhaps it is just a widely accepted but misinterpreted message from the Bible made at a time (or times) when culturally, homosexuality was viewed as deviant.

Everyone brings their own views and opinions to the table when interpreting the teachings and the meanings of their religion. In that every follower of ever god, goddess, or sentient being, is the same. And so, ultimately, whatever name or title or organization one may associate their own belief system with, all religion is the same. There is no one "true" religion as many followers of many faiths believe, for they are all just different interpretations of humanities faith in the existance of a higher conciousness, developed throughout time in different societies.

For me this means that I can keep my personal value system, while bearing in mind the fact that all teachings are subject to an individuals personal interpretation, and in doing that give myself the power to be an active and true believer of the faith I know in my heart to be mine, my birthright, despite the stigma's I and many others hold against it.

Essay by,
Gracious

I don't like how I am. I like who I am but not how I am. I can't really say for sure if how I am is a product of my environment or a product of me. Maybe a bit of both. I need more time to focus on me, get back into what I want to do, my values. I hope doing what I want to do will help me become emotionally healthier as I have been on a steady decline for the last several months.
What I want to do:
Focus on school, start dancing again, hike and rock-climb again, read, make the time to research the things I want to learn about, explore some new interests.
I know I have become more illogical and moody. I remember how it felt to be on the other side of this sort of behavior from how my sister treated me and everyone around her for years. It didn't feel good, and that's not a feeling I'm eeager to pass on to those I care about, nor is it the one they deserve. I'm surrounded by amazing people who will unconditionally love me and are willing to let me stress the ties and bonds of our relationships, I have to start letting them know once again how much I appreciate that in action, not just words.

I truly believe that nothing is more important to a person's core then their relationship with their parents. Even if they don't "care," as that just means their parent(s) have done some thing or enough things to push their child to a point of not caring.

For every run-down mom or alcoholic dad there is a child experiencing something that is going to be the longest lasting pain and struggle of their life: their relationship with their parents. When a parent can't give a child what it needs, not materially, but emotionally, that the decision - not circumstance, but decision, to withold the TLC, parenting, or communication will effect their child for the rest of their life.

For me, with my mom, it's been a recent problem. We've had much rougher years as far as conflict and anger goes (mostly from the age of 12-14 for me, and that was my crappy attitude causing it), but for some reason the last 8-10 months or so have been the scariest and strangest for me.

My mother is pushing me away, again. This is the second time she's done this, the last time was in the spring, about 6 months ago. I haven't been home much lately, I've been at my boyfriend's almost every night since he moved out, so I wonder if maybe she hasn't maintained the cut-backs to her alcohol consumption she had started on over the last several months. It's hard to say when I haven't been here very often lately.  Sometimes I wonder if that's the problem too, me not being here.  When my boyfriend moved out I asked my parents if I could go with him.  They weren't okay with that, and it hurt my dad's feelings that I wanted to so I told them I wasn't going to, and as far as I was concerned and as far as they let on that was the end of that.  But now I get comments, "oh you don't live at home, you haven't for almost two months," unwittingly slicing at my heart. And I don't understand, my ex boyfriend when I was 14 and 15 moved out and I spent just as much time over there as I do now at my new love's house.  And they never had this hurtful attitude then.  The only variable is that I never actually broached the subject of officially living with him.  But the subject of living with my boyfriend was one covered and closed 2 months ago, and they never communicated any worries or further concerns about that subject except for now when I spend more time at home, the "this isn't your home" attitude shows up.

The "this isn't your home," attitude appears only from my mom when she is angry with me and she almost only verbalizes it in a bitter way, and from my dad it appears seldom, but from his verbalizations I sense personal hurt.  But did they ever argue or disagree with my decision to continue living at home?  No they did not, it was important to them for me to live at home.  But now when I am here my mother doesn't want me anymore and my dad looks at me with a certain sadness.  The variable was supposed to be closed, by your implication and my agreement it was closed, my behavior is no different from that i've exhibited in similar situations in the past but now you treat me differently for it? You're perception of my behavior is different now? Despite my loud and frequent objections? It is not fair and it HURTS, it hurts me so much that my mother doesn't see me as her child any more.  When we fought tonight she just wanted to "bring [me] back to Russell's", not deal with me, not parent me, just get rid of me.  I'm sick of writing about this.